my aunt came to visit for thanksgiving.  it  was the trip that was supposed to happen this same time last year.  though then it would have been with my mother.  it’s the trip that didn’t happen because my mother had taken a turn for the worse.  so instead of showing my family my new house, i quickly got in my car and drove to michigan to be with my mother.  while she was doing poorly, she eventually did “well enough” that we could purchase a boston market thanksgiving dinner to share with her.  it was unconventional, but the most convention we’ve had for a holiday in years.  my family had stopped cooking holiday dinners long ago.  we’ve had various things to eat from traditional foods to middle eastern, typically a-typical.

now with the passing of my mother, michigan holds no reason to gather there.

so my aunt came in for thanksgiving.  i wondered how/if we would address the loss of my mother.  this being the first holiday [of many] she would not be at.  i thought of the purpose of thanksgiving and to all that makes me thankful.  while this has been the worst year, it has also been the best, and ultimately, i have reason to give thanks.  while we  did not approach the subject during our time together, i wanted to make sure i did not forget.

i am thankful for:

-my mother surviving long enough to attend my wedding.
-my mother getting a “second wind” that allowed her to go dress shopping with me.  it was the first time she was really out of bed since october.
-leaving the gate for my plane home, forgoing meeting the new boss to stay behind with my mother.  she somehow came back to us that night.  we all got to have a great “late nite party” with her.
-having time with my mother before the wedding, having her help me pot our alter decor.
-being able to lay in bed with my mother, hold her, and tell her that i love her.
-my husband providing a skype connection to her dog chan so she could see and talk to her baby.
-the end of my mother’s suffering.  the cancer and all she endured throughout her life.
-the items she left behind for me.  the new and the old.  the practical and the memorable.  and the unknown items for me to discover as soon as i have the strength.
-finding the love of my life and having the opportunity to have him as my husband.
-my husband’s strength and enduring, all encompassing love.
-finding new friends.
-starting to re-find myself amidst all this pain.
-ability to build the life i have always wanted.

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i apologize, i’ve been silent for some time.  i’ve barely been able to bring myself to write.  to face my reality by codifying the events into words.  into tangible evidence of what happened.  i am trying again.

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