Monthly Archives: December 2011

the last christmas gift from my mother

Posted in grief, mother by

i was cleaning out my mother’s closet after she passed and i found an unopened christmas gift addressed to me.   a present that bought and wrapped years ago.  i recalled the wrapping paper from years ago, but couldn’t place the date.

when i saw it, my first instinct was to open it.  to unwrap the mystery present, long forgotten, to see what my mother had chosen for me.  to see the last gift she would ever give me.   but then i decided it was best saved for christmas.  when it was originally intended to be opened.

in an effort to clean some things up before visitors came, i put the present [along with a bunch of my mother's other things] into a closet in the guest room.  i told myself i would remember it was there.  only i didn’t.  christmas came and went and though i did receive one other present from beyond the grave [two dollar bills from my grandfather, via my uncle].  it was not until last night that i remembered my mother’s present to me.

only, i did not remember it from grand epiphany.  no, i was reminded of it when my mother’s things, which had been stacked peacefully for a month or two, came crashing down.

my aunt [her sister] is staying in that room and was getting ready for dinner in the en-suite bathroom.  brian and i were downstairs waiting.  suddenly there was this tremendously loud crash.  i called for my aunt, but she did not reply.  i thought something happened to her, like a dresser falling and crushing her.

i rushed up to see what happened and found her fine, but with the three plastic boxes i stacked in the closet all over.  as i went to pick up the boxes.  there it was.  my mother’s christmas present to me.

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believer or not in this sort of thing, but i believe it was her there who did that.  who knocked down the boxes.  not sure if it was for me to find the present or for her to make her presence known, but either way it was her way of reaching out.

[or maybe that's something of my own imagination].

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i took the present into my room and opened it.

pastels.

while i wasn’t sure what to expect and i didn’t have high expectations, as i reflect on it, the pastels were fitting.

my mother loved to paint.  she was an incredible artist.  she drew and painted throughout her life.  most of it, i remember from childhood, but the cases of paint and the artwork i found [even on manila folders] showed she never completely stopped.  she even helped me with some crafts the days before my wedding.

i, unfortunately, was never gifted with her talent.  even though i took art classes, i never had the ability she possessed naturally.  however, since her death i have felt compelled to paint, to create.  i have day dreamed of it.  it has come into my dreams at night.  it has hovered over me, which is quite unusual.

so maybe this gift of pastels will be the inspiration.

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it’s hard to think that this is the last gift she will give me.  physically, anyway.   that this christmas she was not here.  that i will never celebrate another christmas, another birthday, another holiday of any kind with her.  that my last opportunity was wrapped up in that present.  that she is just gone.

it’s hard to believe, even when you know that is the course of life.  it’s just hard to have it happen so soon.

Life as a Military [Navy] Wife Cont’d: The Choices

Posted in marriage, work by

There were about 10 places that Brian could select for “slating”. We narrowed it down to 3.

Seattle, Colorado Springs, and Detroit.

I am sure this decision path seems like a no-brainer. In fact, you might ask how Detroit ended up in the top 3, beating out other great locations like San Jose, CA. Well, let me tell you.

Seattle.
Beautiful, hip, progressive. Sure it may rain all the time, but it doesn’t really snow [winning!]. While there is not an abundance of federal jobs, the job market seems good. The school I want to attend is here, though it is not a resident program, so I can attend from anywhere. Also Brian is from the PacNorWest and wants to go back, for a few years anyway. [Oh, and think of all the coffee!]

Colorado Springs.
You might say the same about Colorado Springs, though there were about 10 places that Brian could select for “slating”. We narrowed it down to 3. Seattle, Colorado Springs, and Detroit. I am sure this decision path seems like a no-brainer. In fact, you might ask how Detroit ended up in the top 3, beating out other great locations like San Jose, CA. Well, let me tell you. Seattle. Beautiful, hip, progressive. Sure it may rain all the time, but it doesn’t really snow [winning!]. While there is not an abundance of federal jobs, the job market seems good. The school I want to attend is here, though it is not a resident program, so I can attend from anywhere. Also Brian is from the PacNorWest and wants to go back, for a few years anyway. [Oh, and think of all the coffee!] Colorado Springs. You might say the same about Colorado Springs, though it is more beautiful. And there is lots of snow boarding in the area [for Brian and maybe me, if I ever learn]. It’s active. It’s crunchy and environmentally aware. There should be federal jobs there, but I couldn’t find them. Not a terrible job market, but also not a large one. Close to the area Brian wants to be. Oh and both of those are new places. We love adventure. Detroit. I’m from there [well, a suburb and we'd move to a[nother] suburb]. I have my mother’s house to handle. My [and becoming Brian's] friends are there. There’s a lot of opportunity for us to give back [MI is in the crapper, plus I have a 4-H club and a horseback riding for handicapped program there]. My aunt [and surrogate mother] is there. My [surrogate] grandmother/mother is there [and this is probably the end of her life]. She also has the barn I know and would consider the front-runner for all things horse related there. The job market is in the tank, but there is a larger presence of consulting firms that I could work for there. Also there is actually a federal government presence, in a small but big way, there. But, if I couldn’t work at all [anywhere], we are “recession-proof” in some way because we wouldn’t have to pay to live at my mother’s house. There’s a not-for-blog, major negative there. There is a lot of snow, boo. — So, what to do with all of that? Especially when your sense of adventure is high. — Brian chose: Seattle, Detroit, Colorado Springs.a I chose: Detroit, Seattle, Colorado Springs. — So, we went for the [not-so-obvious] choice of Detroit. We’ll see what the Navy chooses for us. gh it is more beautiful. And there is lots of snow boarding in the area [for Brian and maybe me, if I ever learn]. It’s active. It’s crunchy and environmentally aware. There should be federal jobs there, but I couldn’t find them. Not a terrible job market, but also not a large one. Close to the area Brian wants to be.

Oh and both of those are new places. We love adventure.

Detroit.
I’m from there [well, a suburb and we'd move to a[nother] suburb]. I have my mother’s house to handle. My [and becoming Brian's] friends are there. There’s a lot of opportunity for us to give back [MI is in the crapper, plus I have a 4-H club and a horseback riding for handicapped program there].  My aunt [and surrogate mother] is there.  My [surrogate] grandmother/mother is there [and this is probably the end of her life].  She also has the barn I know and would consider the front-runner for all things horse related there.  The job market is in the tank, but there is a larger presence of consulting firms that I could work for there.  Also there is actually a federal government presence, in a small but big way, there.  But, if I couldn’t work at all [anywhere], we are “recession-proof” in some way because we wouldn’t have to pay to live at my mother’s house.  There’s a not-for-blog, major negative there.  There is a lot of snow, boo.

–

So, what to do with all of that?  Especially when your sense of adventure is high.

–

Brian chose: Seattle, Detroit, Colorado Springs.a

I chose: Detroit, Seattle, Colorado Springs.

–

So, we went for the [not-so-obvious] choice of Detroit. We’ll see what the Navy chooses for us.

Life as a Military [Navy] Wife

Posted in marriage, present by

First, let me say that there are many military families out there who make a tremendous sacrifice for defending America’s freedom. While I am a military wife, I, in no way, have to endure the sacrifices they go through. Having a spouse constantly gone, overseas or elsewhere, on missions, at sea or otherwise is a tough life. One misses the spouse, worrying about the safety of the loved one, and often must live like a “single” parent. I am sure there are another million things one must endure as the spouse of a deployed service member that, for the sake of simplification, I am over-looking. Regardless, it is tough and while I am going to outline my troubles below, I do not think they compare in any way.

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As a result of our relatively normal life, I find myself easily lulled into a false sense of security – that everything will stay the way it is until we decide it will change. That we are total “Master’s of Our Own Destiny”. But just like The Universe is wont to do, it threw us a curve ball.

See, Brian and I have been discussing the living/working situation ad nauseam. I knew he was up for orders no later than October 2012, but in June of this year I decided I needed to make a job change. This decision meant we could get “out-of-cycle” – where he goes to his next position when I could not [see if I take a new position, I really need to stay in it two years... meaning I couldn't really leave until 2013].  As a result, we decided it would best for us for me to try to get a job down where he works. It would reduce all of our commuting [currently he drives 1.5 - 2 hrs one-way and I drive a little over an hour], I could expand my résumé in a different area, and he could probably convince his Detailer to extend him for another year.

So that was the plan. Only the plan didn’t quite work. Jobs were frozen and by the time they opened up we had started considering other options. Like me going to DC and him getting a job there. So we decided on that new path [the DC path] and Brian called his Detailer to discuss options.

“Man plans, God laughs.”

Amidst all of the above [simplified for blog] chaos, Brian put in to be a Navy Operational Support Center [NOSC] Commander, thinking it would help us out with options. Well, when Brian called the Detailer he was effectively told he was selected for Command and that DC was definitely not an option. He was told that he would need to pick from the list of NOSCs they were filling in December. None of which were in our area or near DC. None of which were near locations for jobs in my field. All of which meant major change.

So, naturally, I freaked out.

Faced with the decision to either support my husband wherever he goes and potentially sacrifice/impact my career or stay here and have my career. I felt trapped.

See, growing up I was poor [to put it mildly]. That experience imbued me with the strong urgency to never put or allow myself to fall into that position. Every decision I have made has centered around that [in one form or another]. I have methodically built my career, skill-sets and reputation. I have increased my responsibility, my position, my choices, all in an effort to build a financially sound and personally satisfying career.  And now I face an un-calculated move that is in unchartered territory.