my mother was an avid holistic nutritionist. she got that from her mother. now that did not mean she only followed alternative medicine and did not believe in traditional medicine; rather, it mean that she knew diet played a role in one’s overall well-being. while she may not have always acted in the proper way, with that knowledge, but she always took her vitamins. she had a whole kitchen cabinet full of them.
recently, i started taking vitamins again. regularly. more regularly than i ever have before. [i have some that i am prescribed to take, but in a totally volunteer nature, this is the first time i have managed to take them this long.] i realized that as i take my vitamins every morning and every night, i think of my mother. this was her routine, though she also took them throughout the day. this was her habit/practice that i am now adopting. one small ways she is living on in me. helping me through this. staying close. and in this small way, this small ritual, she is here with me.
becoming conscious of this, has made me start to think of the other things i got from my mother. i need to start documenting them so i don’t forget.
i finally made it back to bikram yoga tonight. it is the first time since things really started to hit the fan with my mother. it’s really the first time i have worked out in quite a while. i have slowly let my life spiral out of control. i have just worked on existing day to day and nothing more. i have stopped working out. i have not eaten well. i have let myself decay in a way i have never seen for me before. i’ve gained 30 pounds. 30. i don’t fit well into my clothes [the ones i still fit in] and i refuse to buy any more new clothes.
i deserve more. i deserve better than this. it is not that hard [even if it feels monumentous] to make some changes. i need to start holding myself accountable. this is the most important thing. i’m hoping i can tap into my inner perfectionist, not completely but enough to keep me motivated. i really need the help. or i really need the commitment.
i really need a way to find some peace, to bring some calmness to my mind and body. and i think that bikram [or yoga in general] is the best way for me. somehow i need to deal with all that has happened in the past year [and continues to happen].
so, tonight i made it back. and i just need to keep going back.