Category Archives: present

another year’s gone, here comes a new one…

Posted in grief, happiness, life, marriage, mother, present by

 last year was a fiasco
a real disaster
so full of sorrow
[--Loudon Wainwright III]

but not completely sorrow-filled.

it was the first full year in our new house.

though it was not a surprise, brian asked me to marry him.  i accepted.  i mean, who turns down the offer to spend the rest his or her life with a person who is a completely perfect mate?   i called my mother on the ride home, to announce the news to my mother and she said “congratulations… i think that’s what you’re supposed to say.  i am not really versed in these sort of things.  are you happy?”  that is my family, quintessentially.  [and the answer was and is, yes.  very.]  i got to speak a little about it with my grandfather, though our phone conversation was strained by his failing health.  he said he was happy for me and how much he thought of brian.  he said he hoped to make it there.   [it was planned to take place three months post-engagement to try and allow him and my mother to attend].

he did not.  he passed away in march, on my mother’s birthday, finally succumbing to the lymphoma that ravaged his body.  we said goodbye to him in the small michigan town that he grew up in.  finally, coming home to his family.  the service would have had him rolling over in his grave, had he been buried yet.  with a pastor who opened by calling all his siblings deceased, though some remain living and were in attendance at the very service and despite the funeral director correcting that error to the crowd in front of the pastor.  the pastor then went on to misquote life details and repeat how “great” he was so often anyone drinking to the word would have passed out.  my uncle [his son] had to step up and interrupt the guy, taking over the botched eulogy.  in some ways, before that point, it was so bad it was humorous.  but my grandfather did not have a sense of humor, so maybe the universe was trying one last effort to help him let go.

there was another, more private, loss.

i planned a wedding in michigan and visits with my mother through her treatments from virginia.  i tried my best to keep my cool, but often lost it [though, considering all of that, i did reasonably well].

my horse got sick.  suffering form unknown soreness/lameness that at one point was thought to be neurologic [and still not ruled out].  i have and continue to treat her and hope to get her back to riding shape, but it remains to be seen how it will all play out.

i got married to the man of my dreams in a ceremony that was just perfect.  and my mother attended.  we did not take a honeymoon for financial reasons, but found that to be a blessing as it allowed me to be there as my mother passed away in the days that followed my wedding.

i watched my mother pass away.  heard her pleas.  tried my best to support and love her through it all.  tried to stop the clock because she wasn’t ready.  believed it wasn’t so close.  and realized it was.

i buried my mother.  my only parent.  and found that even when you know it is possible, if not probable, there is no way to prepare for such a loss. and it is not something you get over, you try your best to move through it, though it is never far away.

i cleaned out my childhood home.  removing all the pieces of the life i knew.  though it was not the life i lead now nor the life i wanted, amazingly it was a tremendous part of me that i cherished in ways i never understood.  and maybe still, am yet to understand.

i supported my husband with his mother’s health situation.  from thoughts of meningitis to confirmation of infections and heart disease.  to the culmination of in his mother’s open-heart surgery in reno, with very tenuous results.  in addition to the surgery turmoil,  it was the first time back in a hospital to visit an intensely ill person since all that happened with my mother.  and saw a man pass away in his room down the hall.  traumatic to say the least.  ultimately, she pulled through and has since made almost a full recovery.

i got a new boss [two, actually] at work.  got ‘replaced’ but not replaced. found [and still find myself] in an unbearable situation.  trapped in a ‘hostile’ and delusional work environment.  hating every day requiring my presence at the office.  working hard to get out.

i found out my husband would not be allowed to stay in the area and would have his next tour somewhere else in the country [or japan].  freaked out at the implications to my career and had to turn down two job offers [my lifeboats out of my current, unbearable workplace] because of the new direction.   made peace with the change of direction and began to see it for the possibilities it offered, while remaining scared of the uncertainties.

i lost myself. in all of it, i was living but not quite alive.  not quite accessible.  and i could not see it until i caused almost irreparable damage.  but i do now.  the light is back on and it is as if i can reach myself again.  something i have been unable to do for sometime. though i did not know it.  it is as if i am actually living again.  or actually trying to.  without the experience, i am sure it is hard for someone else to understand what i mean, but it is what it is.  i am so grateful for this awakening.

so as i try to put a moniker on 2011, i find myself at a loss.  it was full of many different, major life changes.  and it is hard to paint one of them as more important than all others.  because one was not, each was its own entity, with its owns celebrations or trials and tribulations.  i guess it could be best summed up as a year of extremes.

what is in store for 2012 [besides the end of the mayan calendar]?

Life as a Military [Navy] Wife

Posted in marriage, present by

First, let me say that there are many military families out there who make a tremendous sacrifice for defending America’s freedom. While I am a military wife, I, in no way, have to endure the sacrifices they go through. Having a spouse constantly gone, overseas or elsewhere, on missions, at sea or otherwise is a tough life. One misses the spouse, worrying about the safety of the loved one, and often must live like a “single” parent. I am sure there are another million things one must endure as the spouse of a deployed service member that, for the sake of simplification, I am over-looking. Regardless, it is tough and while I am going to outline my troubles below, I do not think they compare in any way.

–

As a result of our relatively normal life, I find myself easily lulled into a false sense of security – that everything will stay the way it is until we decide it will change. That we are total “Master’s of Our Own Destiny”. But just like The Universe is wont to do, it threw us a curve ball.

See, Brian and I have been discussing the living/working situation ad nauseam. I knew he was up for orders no later than October 2012, but in June of this year I decided I needed to make a job change. This decision meant we could get “out-of-cycle” – where he goes to his next position when I could not [see if I take a new position, I really need to stay in it two years... meaning I couldn't really leave until 2013].  As a result, we decided it would best for us for me to try to get a job down where he works. It would reduce all of our commuting [currently he drives 1.5 - 2 hrs one-way and I drive a little over an hour], I could expand my résumé in a different area, and he could probably convince his Detailer to extend him for another year.

So that was the plan. Only the plan didn’t quite work. Jobs were frozen and by the time they opened up we had started considering other options. Like me going to DC and him getting a job there. So we decided on that new path [the DC path] and Brian called his Detailer to discuss options.

“Man plans, God laughs.”

Amidst all of the above [simplified for blog] chaos, Brian put in to be a Navy Operational Support Center [NOSC] Commander, thinking it would help us out with options. Well, when Brian called the Detailer he was effectively told he was selected for Command and that DC was definitely not an option. He was told that he would need to pick from the list of NOSCs they were filling in December. None of which were in our area or near DC. None of which were near locations for jobs in my field. All of which meant major change.

So, naturally, I freaked out.

Faced with the decision to either support my husband wherever he goes and potentially sacrifice/impact my career or stay here and have my career. I felt trapped.

See, growing up I was poor [to put it mildly]. That experience imbued me with the strong urgency to never put or allow myself to fall into that position. Every decision I have made has centered around that [in one form or another]. I have methodically built my career, skill-sets and reputation. I have increased my responsibility, my position, my choices, all in an effort to build a financially sound and personally satisfying career.  And now I face an un-calculated move that is in unchartered territory.

firsts… lasts

Posted in grief, life, mother, present by

a year ago today.

driving home from work my mother wished me happy birthday.  it was a day early, but she didn’t want to miss it.  she wasn’t feeling well, but wanted to make sure she wished me happy birthday.  she promised to still give me a gift, though she wasn’t able to at the time.  i was appreciative of it all, but i was unconcerned.  she had been sick for a month or two.  lots of pain in her back.  difficulty breathing.  just struggling.  i just wanted to hear from her.

she never did give me that gift.  [it *really* doesn't matter].

—

year later, no word.  no wishes.  nothing.  she’s gone.

—

it’s my first year.  my first birthday alone. not yet thirty and no call from my mother.  no card.  nothing.  never more.  never will be.  my first birthday without my mother.

–

also, my first birthday married.  first birthday with a husband.  first birthday where he plans it.

—

it’s the season of firsts.  this is one of many more to come.  i wish i knew better how i felt.

–

all, in all, the last year of my twenties.  between this and that which came before, it’s heavy.  not sure how to feel.  guess time will tell.

 

friday five [1]

Posted in day to day, happiness, life, present by

1. topic of the moment is the discovery of a new cavalia show. i can’t believe it! i loved cavalia so much i was searching for a potential opportunity to see the show again when i found out they launched a new show! first time in the states in atlanta, land of my hs best friend no less! i must go!! there is no show better. cirque du soleil on horseback, but even so much more than that. exquisite. i just wish i could run away and join them. so expect me in atlanta in december. for sure.

2. speaking of horses, i’ve seen mine [miss violet] 4 times this week and will round out tomorrow with visit #5! this is huge! i haven’t made it out there near as much as i needed to, but i finally decided to re-prioritize and try and ditch some of the depression so i can SEE MY HORSIE. it’s important. for her. for me. for my mental health.

3. i need to remember to not look at my blackberry when i am not in the office. it’s important for my mental health. ’nuff said.

4. nanowrimo is fast approaching and i plan to join again and be successful this year! i’m not a traditionalist, as none of my work is fiction, but i’m okay with being a rebel. this year i *have* to make it.

5. tomorrow is my trash the dress shoot. i’m not really “trashing” the dress, as i am going to the barn to hang with my pony in pics. i hope it goes well. i did whack my hair afterall…

i support spirit day

Posted in happiness, life, present by

because i want the lgbt [open or closeted] community to know i do not support intolerance.  that i don’t support bullying. that, most importantly, i support them.  as a community.  as individuals.  and i want them to know they are safe.  loved.  and equal.

i am and continue to be an strong ally.

–

funny enough that used to be in the form of girlfriend to gay boys.  unbeknownst to me or them [kinda].

–

in high school i ended up friending [then boyfriend-ing and back to friending] the person who is my best friend today from a set of unlikely circumstances.

the cliché story is that [my sweets] hit my car at wendy’s during lunch, fled from the scene only to be escorted out of band class by a police officer facing a “hit-and-run” charge.  and that ultimately we became friends to avoid him causing any further damage to my car.

the lesser known and seldom shared story involves him meeting with our shared high school counselor right after i did and her sharing some of my incredibly personal information with him.  that i was suicidal.  despite that unprofessional breach of privacy, he sought me out, befriended me, and broke me out of my shell.

he saved me by giving me confidence. by taking me dancing.  by loving me.  we dated.  for almost two years.  we broke up.  we stayed friends.  best friends.

–

{rewind}

in high school there were always people who poked fun at my sweets for being gay.  often subtly, but it was always the undercurrent.  obviously, we dated during/after that time, but i can’t say that it ever really went away.  shoot, i can even remember doing it, but not ever thinking that he was [how else would we have dated?].

{fast forward}

so when we met up for my birthday, after our breakup, and he was wearing a turtleneck sweater and answered the door with a flamboyant hand swish, i told him to “stop acting so gay.”

and when we got in the car two of our friends asked about his “gay” magazines, not knowing there actually were gay magazines back there, the ribbing seemed normal.

or how when those friends and myself joked about my sweets and i marrying to be his “beard”, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

until the next day when i asked my sweets if his mom went to the cher concert with him [hello, clue] and he replied he went with his male friend, when i said, “if you don’t want people to think you’re gay, you probably should not go to a cher concert with another man.”

and he replied, “but i am gay.”

that it all clicked.

–

from there i learned so much about him.  about the lgbt.  about the struggles.  the fears.  the hopes.  the dreams.  and their complete and utter need for love and support.

so today, i support spirit day.

and every. single. day. i am an ally.

[this is obviously a condensed and poorly written version, but i wanted to make sure i got my spirit day support in].

[he also was not the only gay boy i dated... turns out maybe that was my service... making those who were gay comfortable embracing it, through dating me... [yeah]…]