Category Archives: Uncategorized

one of many returns

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so i’ve been incommunicato.  it continues to be a roller coaster dealing with everything going on, but i am looking forward to working on this blog, as well as a new one [more on that in a minute] with more regularity.  

i realized there are many memories, ideas, thoughts, etc that slip away from me too easily now.  i think there is just so much that i am dealing with that i am choosing to black out important chunks.  i don’t want to do that.  or if i am to do that, i want somewhere i can create at least a partial record. 

hopefully i will be able to do it.  to push past the blocks, the anxiety, the reality to just get it all out there.

so here we go.  lots of posts to write.  stayed tuned.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I’ve been notably absent from writing anything as of late. From emails, to blogs, to the essay I desperately need to write for my MBA application… I just haven’t had it in me to write.

Part of that is because I have so much to do.

1) Find a job in Michigan (oh yeah, I am officially moving there ASAP or In August, whichever comes first), which required me to update my resume, my professional profiles and apply my butt off (still am working on that last one). Also, interview with some folks on the phone.

2) Apply for grad school, which entails completing a math class, writing an essay, and getting recommendations.

3) Complete 3 professional certifications, at least 15 classes to do so.

4) Work my ridiculous job, one that asked me to do work on my vacation (for something that was NOT important, might I add)!

5) Execute my husband’s 40th birthday in South Lake Tahoe, CA with all the invited friends and family… Keep everyone entertained and happy.

6) Travel my butt off for work (got home, well to the airport hotel, from Tahoe at 2am Monday and headed back to the airport at 6am for a flight to NJ… Now I am flying to FL and will fly back tomorrow night… Next week I fly to Boston.)

7) Buy a new car. I loved my wonderful Toyota 4 Runner dearly, but decided to sell it in leu of my Grandfather’s Cadillac CTS. Well, turns out that car has been giving me fits non-stop, so I am back at square one and in need of a new, reliable vehicle.

The other part is, well, I am somewhat overwhelmed with the personal issues surrounding my mother’s passing. I will try to write more on this later, but suffice it to say, right after a friend of mine and I exchanged comments on the loneliness of dealing with my mother’s passing several “bizarre” events occurred directly related to those comments but from a metaphysical side, if you will.

All that in addition to the major stress of #1 up there.

All of these could be a blog themselves and hopefully some will be if I get time.

So I am busy, but now that I broke the blogging slump, I will try to get back to it… And to all those emails I neglected.

thankful

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my aunt came to visit for thanksgiving.  it  was the trip that was supposed to happen this same time last year.  though then it would have been with my mother.  it’s the trip that didn’t happen because my mother had taken a turn for the worse.  so instead of showing my family my new house, i quickly got in my car and drove to michigan to be with my mother.  while she was doing poorly, she eventually did “well enough” that we could purchase a boston market thanksgiving dinner to share with her.  it was unconventional, but the most convention we’ve had for a holiday in years.  my family had stopped cooking holiday dinners long ago.  we’ve had various things to eat from traditional foods to middle eastern, typically a-typical.

now with the passing of my mother, michigan holds no reason to gather there.

so my aunt came in for thanksgiving.  i wondered how/if we would address the loss of my mother.  this being the first holiday [of many] she would not be at.  i thought of the purpose of thanksgiving and to all that makes me thankful.  while this has been the worst year, it has also been the best, and ultimately, i have reason to give thanks.  while we  did not approach the subject during our time together, i wanted to make sure i did not forget.

i am thankful for:

-my mother surviving long enough to attend my wedding.
-my mother getting a “second wind” that allowed her to go dress shopping with me.  it was the first time she was really out of bed since october.
-leaving the gate for my plane home, forgoing meeting the new boss to stay behind with my mother.  she somehow came back to us that night.  we all got to have a great “late nite party” with her.
-having time with my mother before the wedding, having her help me pot our alter decor.
-being able to lay in bed with my mother, hold her, and tell her that i love her.
-my husband providing a skype connection to her dog chan so she could see and talk to her baby.
-the end of my mother’s suffering.  the cancer and all she endured throughout her life.
-the items she left behind for me.  the new and the old.  the practical and the memorable.  and the unknown items for me to discover as soon as i have the strength.
-finding the love of my life and having the opportunity to have him as my husband.
-my husband’s strength and enduring, all encompassing love.
-finding new friends.
-starting to re-find myself amidst all this pain.
-ability to build the life i have always wanted.

–

i apologize, i’ve been silent for some time.  i’ve barely been able to bring myself to write.  to face my reality by codifying the events into words.  into tangible evidence of what happened.  i am trying again.

–

goodbye vermont

Posted in day to day, life, travel, Uncategorized, work by

the only bad part of my vermont experience was leaving. at the airport i swiped one of the cards i converted to my new married last name [my last name-his last name] and it showed up that there were no reservations for me to travel home.  i panicked [slightly].  i am always afraid that i will remember the wrong time or the wrong place or the wrong date.  i thought it was one of those times.  i searched for my itinerary.  i could not find it anywhere.  oh yeah, it is still in the trunk of my car because i spilled water all over it and then forgot to pack it.  i searched my phone, remembering i received flight notifications on the way out prior to departure, maybe there would be a clue in my email.

then i remembered.  it’s the card you swiped, dumbass.

so, i got out my other and proceeded to check in without any hassle.  it really was a shame.  i had already began to plan my weekend in vermont.  [the weekend i really wanted to do and to have with my husband but he couldn't travel with me this time].  i was planning all sorts of adventures i would have until i flew out on sunday, because of course if i wasn’t making this flight the next logical time to fly out was sunday.

my trip was short and i did not get to see much of burlington, but i enjoyed what i saw and definitely look forward to returning.  it reminded me a lot of ann arbor, with its old buildings, old school downtown, lots of students, walkers, bikers, etc.  it was a vibrant scene with a group of eclectic friendly people.  though, i think i committed a crime [by local standards] for not going to the phish concert to benefit the flood victims [nor did i know it was going on the night i arrived].  then later got “accused” of going because my travel exhaustion.

at the end of my dinner last night [i was alone, but chatted with a man at the bar the last 15 minutes i was there... no, not in any kind of "bad" way], i said what is probably close to the most un-vermont thing to say [in hind-sight anyway].  in response to a question about my profession, i replied, “i buy major weapons systems.”  in a place as green and peace-loving as vermont [or the vermont in my head], it seemed almost like heresy to say such a thing.

regardless, vermont sent me off with a beautiful sunset.

 

it’s never just “congratulations”

Posted in grief, happiness, life, marriage, Uncategorized by

on your marriage.  on one of the most happy and joyous occasions of my life.

no.  unfortunately, it is either preceded or followed by “i’m so sorry for your loss.”

and if it is not, there are always questions.

how was your wedding?  it was absolutely wonderful.  everything turned out perfectly.  [except my mother died a week and a half later].  

or.

where did you go on your honeymoon? no where. [my mother's funeral].

i don’t always say that last part.   i can’t determine what drives the response, just happens or it doesn’t.  most of the time it depends on how well i know the person/how often we are required to interact.  sometimes though, it is for the shock value.  shock value is probably not what i mean, but i say it so that my reality is shared.  so that i am not so alone in it.  not that i expect everyone to empathize, it’s just that i am living this reality and i think people should know.  life isn’t always fair.

besides, we weren’t planning on a honeymoon right away anyway.  we were going to wait until our year anniversary.  who knew that decision would have so many other “benefits”.

 

still, that is what i am living.  two events tied together forever.  i know that at some point, for myself if no one else, i have to separate the two events.  but for now they are intertwined.