i officially left my old job to transition into my new job today.  it was more of a paperwork drill than anything else, as i’ve already been working the new job since the end of april.  i was just “on loan” during that time, while the details of how that would work sorted themselves out.  so, today was the last day i went back to that office to give them all my stuff and say, “peace out.”

i can’t say that i expected the program manager to acknowledge my existence on this planet, but it is still baffling to me that he hasn’t.  since january.  in fact i am not sure if he did prior to then, but i know that at the end of january i left on travel for a month and when i returned in march, he didn’t even say hello.  i was gone for a month and he couldn’t even bother a hello.  sure, maybe he didn’t see me.  except that he did.  several times he walked right by me that first day back.  and the next days.  it got to be a game.  when would he become human and provide a simple greeting of some sort.  it never happened.

he did once or twice talk to someone else about a request i made within the course of my work, without coming to me directly, which prompted me to walk over and engage the conversation with him.  but never in four months [or any of them since] did he manage a simple hello. hi. how are you? or any other cursory greeting.  while i provided him plenty of opportunity [not on purpose, just sheer fact of working in a program office together], not a word was said. at the end, and the only time i did this, i avoided an encounter at the door with him just so i wouldn’t have to break our ridiculous silence by saying “thank you”.

really, even all of that should not have come as a surprise.  after my mother went into the hospital and ultimately passed away after my wedding, i was sending emails back to work keeping them apprised of the situation [while he was transitioning into the program manager position, newly appointed].  not once in all of that did he ever send a single word back.  not a ‘take all the time you need’. nor a ’do what you need to do’.  heck, he could have sent something simple and easy such as ‘i’m sorry’ or heck ‘i understand’ or for those with no empathy ‘roger’.  instead he wrote not a word.  not a single world.

i did give him the benefit of the doubt.  he was new.  he had lots of emails flooding his inbox each day, perhaps he didn’t see the messages i sent.  okay.  i get it. but no, no.  when i finally came back to work i got to hear from him several times how he read everything.  everything.  every. single. piece. of. information. that came his way. he read. he read it all.

so today, when he did not manage to utter a single word to me, not a hello or a goodbye, when he passed by on my very last day, i should not have been surprised.

i’m in moving hell.

but that is not the point of this blog.  this blog is about the fact that ultimately the universe provides. our new house is wonderful.  it’s less than half the size of our current house [not counting the basement or garage] and the neighbors are even closer.  but the neighbors are even closer.

when we moved in we were instantly greeted by wonderful faces.  to the left are a couple about my age [not the hubs, but not far off.. you know he is 10 years my senior ]. they were lovely. friendly. incredible.

and the girl [with a birthday a month apart from mine] has a mom with lung cancer.  expected life expectancy 12-18 months, in her 13th month.  her husband, also lost his mother to lung cancer 4 years ago.

small world.

also, there is a gilda’s house [for gilda radner] not far away with plenty of resources for dealing with the disease, the experience, the grief.  anything and everything. maybe i can finally process.  such a relief.

detroit is where we are meant to be.  the commanding officer at everett [our second choice] gets to return to his hometown to serve.  we’ve done everything for everyone… everything we can do anyway.

first wedding anniversary.

followed shortly by first anniversary of my mother’s passing.

[all of which preceded by the first anniversary of my grandfather's passing and my mother's first un-celebrated birthday... the ides of march from posts before... and the first motherless mother's day].

for our first wedding anniversary and the honeymoon we were unable to take, we took a nice two weeks to visit seattle and british columbia and take  an alaskan cruise.  it was a trip we desperately needed, especially to decompress from all the previous job put me [us] through.  we had a great time reconnecting with each other, with nature, with the universe.  it was amazing and wonderful.

the first anniversary of my mother’s passing did not go as well.  we flew to michigan to look for houses on the anniversary.  the obligatory flight delays put us in  town later than i’d hoped, as i wanted to go visit her grave, but it would turn out to be the least of my worries that evening.  at the car rental, we got into our first vehicle and found it smelled of smoke, so we unloaded the bags and got a new one.  as we pulled the bags out of the car at the hotel, i noticed that i didn’t have  my backpack. my backpack containing the last pictures my mom would ever take. the pictures of the silly camo hat i bought her in the hospital, on her last “shopping” trip.  the pics from our recent honeymoon.  the pics from all the days between.  not to mention my ipad.  my mind flashed back to the first car, where the bag was in the backseat. tried calling the car rental company all night, with no answer.

happy passing of my mother to me.

first thing the next morning, the husband and i were up and at the car rental before they were open.  a long discussion revealed the car had been detailed and rented out again the previous night. the detailers “didn’t see the bag” and it was too early to call the renter to find out if it was still in the car.  so i waited.  manager called later to say that more questions to the detailers resulted in nothing and there was no answer from the renter.  i called apple, verizon, etc all in a hopes of tracking my goods, but some quirk kept the theft-retrieval from working.

i was certain there was no hope.  detailers working at a job in detroit where money was scarce were likely to see this as a jackpot. so was the renter if it had made it that far.  i had a modicum of faith, but not much more so i filed a police report and spent days talking with detectives.  and all of the time spent trying to retrieve my goods prevented me from visiting my mother’s grave.

[something i still haven't done, since she passed.  i know.  but before you judge, note that i live 13 hours from there [until next month].  besides, that’s not where she is now.  that’s where her body rests, but not her soul.  i can “visit” her anywhere.]

i realized there are many memories, ideas, thoughts, etc that slip away from me too easily now.  i think there is just so much that i am dealing with that i am choosing to black out important chunks.  i don’t want to do that.  or if i am to do that, i want somewhere i can create at least a partial record. 

hopefully i will be able to do it.  to push past the blocks, the anxiety, the reality to just get it all out there.

so here we go.  lots of posts to write.  stayed tuned.

today.

present.

my husband and i are finally taking our honeymoon!

maybe i’ll give you a real-time account of our adventures in seattle, alaska, and british columbia or i’ll provide the highlights on the flip-side.

we’ll see, but either way, i am rolling with it.

Today, my mother was born. She would have been 56 this year. 56. The first birthday she didn’t live to see.

And, a year ago today, on my mother’s last birthday, my Grandfather [her father] passed away.

The Ides of March will forever require a warning from now on.

…

I wish I could say more, but maybe that is all there really is to say.

That and I miss them, both, terribly.

A person who offers advice, assistance, or support in ways that you knew [or didn't know] you needed.

One of those people crossed my path today.

All day, I had not eaten. All I had was a small cup of coffee. My husband lectured me about how I needed to eat [as if I didn't know that, especially at 2pm].

I kept driving and driving, but not finding anywhere to eat on my trek from Boston to VT. Finally, I find this small sign indicating an exit had food. I didn’t even know what state I was in.

I drove and drove, but couldn’t find anything to eat. I started to think I chose the wrong exit. But then, there were my two choices. The Everyday Cafe and the Covered Bridge Restaurant. I went with the Everyday Cafe because it told me I was in Contoocook, NH.

I walked in behind an older gentleman in a bright green shirt. As I approached the counter he asked if I was Irish. I didn’t quite hear him, so I asked him to repeat himself. I told him I was. He said he wasn’t but that’s why he wore the shirt he was in [I "read" it but did not comprehend it at the time].

I went about ordering and eating my lunch, but something compelled me to talk to him. He told me of marrying his wife, of driving off in his hot sports car [something in the "Model-Somethingorother" Variety] to their honeymoon, about his children, and his daughter coming home when his wife got ill [and passed away, something he didn't say, but I gathered].

All of which struck a chord.

But, not as much as:

“The day is a as good as you let it be.”

“I loved coming to work every day. You should love your work, every day.”

It was as if he has been in my head, or privy to my life and conversations, over the past week. No, since June. Was he there with me on Friday?

No, but the Universe was.

It was another, innocent, perspective.

And I was not so ignorant to miss the OBVIOUS. Thanks Universe.

Plus, he ended it with, “I have just one last thing to say to you before I go. Has anyone told you today how beautiful you are?”

Me, “No.”

Him, “Do you work with blind people?”

Seriously.

Don’t think that the Universe is not always at work.

My mother and he were together for some period before I was conceived, but sometime thereafter they split and I am not sure why. Growing up I knew his name, that he came by [unwelcome] once when I was was about 2 years old, and that he lived in the town next to ours. Oh and that he had been in jail [after he and my mother were together] and that he had 2 daughters now [or so I was told].

And really, that was enough. I didn’t need anything more. I have never felt that I needed him, wanted to know him, wanted to find him, or anything of the sort. He existed. He may have helped in my creation, but he was not around and I was not concerned. People, if they knew, would ask about whether I wanted to contact him, etc., but I did not.

Despite all that, I will say, I always wondered who he was and what happened between he and my mother.

When my mother passed away last year [still seems surreal], she left documents that I never knew existed. Letters. Court documents. Diaries. A Valentine from ::right:: before my conception. There was a specific pile of correspondence that I found while cleaning out my mother’s house that I took with me [and my husband] to a bar and read. It was unfathomable. In a completely unexpected way.

If you knew the level of communication about my father in my house, then you would understand that my mother’s correspondence with him over the years would seem completely unexpected.

I have only read a fraction of what exists, even though not much exists, but it is still much more than I ::ever:: thought existed.

While I never wanted to find him, I have wondered about him. How could my mother be with someone who ultimately went to jail? How could he exist in a city next to mine? Who was he? What did he look like? Who was this other family he created?

Through the years, I cannot say I never googled him. I did. I wondered who this man was, but not in the way that means I wanted to know him. I just wanted to see him. Seemed a feasible thing to do in this internet age.

Unfortunately [?], I never found him.

Until my mother’s death. There were some additional clues. It still was not immediate, it was several months of casual google searches that one afternoon led me square to the face of my father.

His face. At his business. In my hometown. A town adjacent to his. A business right up the road from where I grew up. Right there. Completely unexpected. Living a life that was so much better than what I grew up in, or at least somewhat better, maybe.

I didn’t know what to expect upon finding him, but my finding him led to feelings I never imagined…

[to be continued, at some point].

It started with all the lights on the plane going out. A little while later, when they were restored, the pilot came on the intercom to announce we were going to do an emergency landing.

A WHAT?!?!?!

The pilot said there was some kind of oil problem, resulting in one of the engines not working properly, but that it was not a big deal. He said pilots are trained for that. He asked that we not be alarmed by the fire trucks that would meet the plane on the runway. He said, “don’t panic.” Then he said, “prepare for an emergency landing.”

All as if an emergency landing was par for the course. Normal. A non-panic inducing activity.

I’m sure if you look up reasons to panic, one of the first ones is “plane making emergency landing”.

So, I turned on my phone. I figured that in a world of emergency landings and failed engines, my cell phone signal was a minor issue to deal with and I would be damned if I wasn’t going to at least try and contact my loved ones. So out went a few text messages while I braced for impact.

Landing was not so bad, but we did not brake. We ran the runway out [surrounded by fire trucks], turned and ran the runway again in the opposite direction before slowing down to pull into the gate [still surrounded by fire trucks].

We disembarked as quickly as possible and in the process and we were thanked for not panicking, which truly was a feat. I can’t say that no one did. Just that no one mutinied and panicked openly, except for me who was crying. Well, I am the only one I *know* of.

It was almost midnight by the time I got in… and well, suffice it to say my nerves were/are shot. Not a way to end a whirlwind travel experience [and that doesn't even include my experience in Newark].

All I can say is that I am very thankful for it to end the way it did. That I am here one more day to experience all of this world. But for now I am holing up in the fetal position in my bed… trying to forget yesterday and recharge my nerves to endure another day on Earth.

Part of that is because I have so much to do.

1) Find a job in Michigan (oh yeah, I am officially moving there ASAP or In August, whichever comes first), which required me to update my resume, my professional profiles and apply my butt off (still am working on that last one). Also, interview with some folks on the phone.

2) Apply for grad school, which entails completing a math class, writing an essay, and getting recommendations.

3) Complete 3 professional certifications, at least 15 classes to do so.

4) Work my ridiculous job, one that asked me to do work on my vacation (for something that was NOT important, might I add)!

5) Execute my husband’s 40th birthday in South Lake Tahoe, CA with all the invited friends and family… Keep everyone entertained and happy.

6) Travel my butt off for work (got home, well to the airport hotel, from Tahoe at 2am Monday and headed back to the airport at 6am for a flight to NJ… Now I am flying to FL and will fly back tomorrow night… Next week I fly to Boston.)

7) Buy a new car. I loved my wonderful Toyota 4 Runner dearly, but decided to sell it in leu of my Grandfather’s Cadillac CTS. Well, turns out that car has been giving me fits non-stop, so I am back at square one and in need of a new, reliable vehicle.

The other part is, well, I am somewhat overwhelmed with the personal issues surrounding my mother’s passing. I will try to write more on this later, but suffice it to say, right after a friend of mine and I exchanged comments on the loneliness of dealing with my mother’s passing several “bizarre” events occurred directly related to those comments but from a metaphysical side, if you will.

All that in addition to the major stress of #1 up there.

All of these could be a blog themselves and hopefully some will be if I get time.

So I am busy, but now that I broke the blogging slump, I will try to get back to it… And to all those emails I neglected.